Perhaps it’s the fact that Lent just ended and the Easter season has me feeling pretty dang inspired, or maybe it’s just the nostalgia that has come with today, but lately I’ve been deeply contemplative of where I have been the last year and how the Lord has worked in my life. I’m not about to sit here and tell you that I know the ins and outs of the Lord’s plan- only He knows, and they’re His best kept secret. We never truly know what will happen until we’ve been there, done that.
A year ago today, I got a letter saying I wasn’t accepted to nursing school.
A year ago today, I felt devastated. I felt betrayed.
A year ago today I was sitting in the chapel on campus, asking God why the heck he would give me such a burning desire to do something, only to not see it through? My only response was a sense of overwhelming peace.
I published an article on my thoughts at the time, and it was all hopeful stuff. And though I knew all of it to be true, and I felt peaceful, it was still a dark time for me. Nursing is hard, and it is competitive. You learn to work under extreme amounts of pressure for really high stakes, because you aren’t studying for a simple degree- you’re studying to save someone’s life someday. You’re studying for a passion- a vocation. And much like the job, the process of getting into nursing school is not for the faint of heart. Over time, the competition becomes engrained in you and if you can’t keep it in check, it can really overtake your personality. I had let it get to that point, and the only thing I felt from that rejection letter was crippling failure and incompetence. I wasn’t the best.
But those were lies. Now, I look back and see just how far I have come.
I feel like the Lord needed me to deepen my trust in Him before I got into the program. In leaving San Marcos, I would be cutting some roots that had grown very deep. After becoming independent and finding my footing, I would be leaving a life that had become so enriched by the people and experiences that I surrounded myself with and returning to a place that suddenly felt barren with just school. My relationship with the Lord would be the only thing that was definitely going to carry over, and He needed to deepen that. He needed me to trust Him more, because going through a program so intense and so far away from many of my closest friends was going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. So why not hit where it would hurt the most, and build from there?
I wasn’t one of the 100 that was originally accepted to St. David’s School of Nursing. My call didn’t come until over the summer. So what? I’m here now, and I’m thriving. I’ve been given the opportunity to be president of an amazing group of people, and I’m doing better in school than I ever have before. There was a period when I really doubted my abilities, but God pushed me through. He let me lean on Him through the hardest “no” I have ever heard, and He created a path for me. Though I’ve learned to tame the competition, comparison can still creep up on me when I least expect it. I need to stop believing the lie that I’m not capable; the Lord proved to me this last year that I am MORE than capable- and He continues to prove it each and every day.
A year ago today, I thought my dream had reached a very sudden end.
Today, I feel that the Lord was simply asking me to give a little more.
In a year, I’ll be closing in on graduation, and I can hardly believe the path behind me and the journey still before me.
Though our hearts desire, God really is the one who writes the plan. Not everything is going to work out the way we want it- but it will all work out, in the end. Trust is a hard concept to master, but every day is a lesson and I’m so blessed to be learning.